That's Right, Keep Staring

Now this is a topic I have unabashedly raised to my fellow teammates and they all find it pretty funny. Some are reluctant to recognize what I am talking about because of the taboo subject matter—guys looking at other guys’ asses—and the negative social stigma that such behavior tends to carry in today’s society. You heard right, I have stared at many a man’s ass in my day. Chances are that if you’re a cyclist you have too. Chances are that if you race that you do it as well. The logic behind this assertion is that when one sits on the bike in an echelon all day, one becomes quite familiar with the backside of the individual ahead. When riding in an echelon, one must stay focused on the wheel and the person immediately in front since the margin of error is merely inches and any distracted person riding in the echelon can inadvertently cause a crash by overlapping a wheel or hitting a piece of debris in the road.

Why yes, that is Jarred, Brad, and Phil during a Team Time Trial... and yes, they did wear that!

So, rather unashamedly, here I go: I have seen bubble butts; I have seen men with hips so large that I thought they were possibly fully dilated and ready to birth a child; I have seen cottage-cheesed, flabby asses; I have seen people with no ass…it goes straight from lower back to leg; I have seen so many that I cannot even begin to articulate the nuances of each. So the next time you are riding in an echelon looking at the ass of the man in front you and think of this blog post and get self-conscious of the fact that you are staring at a man’s ass… just keep staring, because if you cause that massive crash people will know… “YOU are the guy that doesn’t stare at dudes’ asses” and that makes you dangerous. If I’m ever crashed from behind, I will likely spike my bike down on top of the non-starer as he lay on the ground writhing in pain and I will instruct him that if he knew what was good for him he'd look at my ass a little more closely next time.

Patrick